School girl

[Girl discussing the school dresscode with the principal. The principal has just told the girl her outfit is inappropriate.]
Girl: I wore this same outfit yesterday and you didn’t tell me to go change.
Principal: When i was talking to you yesterday, I was looking at your face, I wasn’t paying attention to your body.
Girl: Well, I hope you weren’t looking at my body.
-Library

The Newest Scent

Gangsta:  [looking at an Indian man who just walked by]  He smells like ass-crack perfume.
-mall

Insection

Guy: [to a guy across the room] You’re about as queer as a box of butterflies.
-French

Prey

[Students are on a field trip, about to go hiking.]
Student:  I was going to wear an orange coat, but I was afraid a bear would think I’m a giant pumpkin and eat me.

Apples

[During a discussion about how Newton was allegedly hit on the head by an apple]
Guy:  [pulls an apple out of his bookbag] I have an apple today!  [pause]  An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Teacher:  Yeah; I bet the doctor appreciates that.
-physics

Holy jeans

[Girl and her Father]
Father: You do know there is a pin on the ass of your pants, right?
Girl: Ugh, yes.
-Dinner

[Note to reader: The safety pin was keeping a rip in the girl's jeans fastened.]

Feel safe now?

Teacher:[Talking to students] If a person with a gun enters our school, we’ll all stay in the class and lock the door. But, we are all going to die if that happens anyway, these walls are made of cardboard.
-Foriegn language

I have to get this off my chest…

[Guy talking to two girls]
Guy: So, how bad would it hurt if someone cut off your boobs?
-Lunch table

Who wears short shorts?

[Ghetto Guy talking to a Girl]
Ghetto Guy: I know he’s my homeboy, but homeboy be wearin’ booty shorts. Look how short his shorts are today.
-Lunch table

Um

[Father is sitting in the living room, deep in thought.]
Father:  …I’d like to make a nuclear bomb.