Southern Hospitality

[Redneck teacher holds exacto knife a few inches from a student's throat]
Teacher: You know [Guy 1], I could kill you ten different ways with this knife.
Guy 1: Please don’t.
Teacher: I could slice your jugular or pierce your windpipe. But, I won’t.
Guy 1: [eyes widen] Thank God.
-Art Class

Is he a pet or your husband?

Lady 1: I’ve been trying to lose weight recently.
Lady 2: Oh, really?
Lady 1: Yeah, I walk around the neighborhood every night.
Lady 2: I walk with Ruben sometimes.
Lady 1: Is that your dog?
Lady 2: No… that is my husband.
[Awkward silence]
-Pool

Hitler Reincarnation

Teacher:  Tomorrow, we’ll be watching a movie about the Holocaust.
Girl:  Great!  I love the Holocaust!
[pause]
Guy:  [Girl], did you just say that you love the Holocaust?
-World History

Dishes

Dad:  How come you never put the dishes in the dishwasher?
Daughter:  Because I’m a lousy excuse for a human being.
Dad:  What?
Daughter:  Because I’m a lousy excuse for a human being.
Dad:  I think you are. [pause]  I bet you think they just get in there by themselves, don’t you?
Daughter:  Yeah.
Dad:  Well, you’re in for a rude awakening.
-Kitchen

“It’s Love.”

[A teenage guy is talking about the girl he's dating to two employees as he makes his purchase.]
Guy:  And you know, when I look into her eyes, I feel both stronger and weaker at the same time…
-Mall

Is This Man Asian?

[A weiner dog runs up to a man and startles him.]
Man:  Woah there!
Dog’s owner:  Do you like weiner dogs?
Man:  I’ve only tried them once, but they are pretty good grilled.
Dog’s owner: [looks frightened] Come here, [dog's name]!
-Beach resort

The Aroma of Sexy Gluteus

[A girl just comes back from a long jog, drenched in sweat.]
Girl’s Brother:  Ew, you smell like butt!
Girl:  I smell like the sexiest butt alive.

“Thanks, I’ll need it.”

[A dad is talking to his daughter, who hates steak.]
Dad:  See you later, [Daughter], I’m going out to the Chophouse.
Daughter:  OH, is that a Japanese restaurant!?
Dad:  No, it’s a steakhouse.
Daughter:  Ew!  Good luck not dying.
-Kitchen

POS: Police Over Shoulder

[Two girls are talking, unaware of the cop behind them.]
Girl 1:  Ugh, [Guy 1] is so annoying!
Girl 2:  We should hire someone to assassinate him.
School Cop:  That would be a fun job, wouldn’t it?
Girl 2:  [in shock] Umm… Yeah.
-High school commons